misc jokes

Four southern ladies were sitting around having Bloody Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them. The first one says, "My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring." But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said, "Oh, how nice." The second woman says, "Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat." But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said, "Oh, how nice." So then the third woman says, "Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz." And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick." So they all looked at the fourth woman and said, "Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?" She replied, "He loves me so much that he bought me lesson to a charm school so I could learn to say 'Oh, how nice' instead of sarcastically saying 'Oh, ya, right' after everything you ladies say."

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Two priests recently passed away and were on their way to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, "I'm sorry but our computer is down and you can't come in for a week. So I am going to give you both one "free" week back on earth to do anything you want to do and nothing will be held against you." "You mean we can do what ever we want, and still get into heaven?" "Yes," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the first priest, "I want to soar over the mountains like an eagle." "That's easy enough," said St. Peter. "Off you go!" The second priest asked, "Are you sure that whatever I do will not hinder my chances of getting into heaven?" "That's right," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the second priest, "I want to go back as a stud." "A stud?" asked St. Peter. "Yes," said the second priest. "Okay, I'll see you in a week." Finally, the week ended and the computer was repaired. God asked to St. Peter, "Did you get the two priests back so they can join us here?" "Well," said St. Peter. "I got the first priest back; he was soaring over the Rocky Mountains like an eagle. I'm having a bit of a problem locating the second priest; he's somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire."

Two priests recently passed away and were on their way to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, "I'm sorry but our computer is down and you can't come in for a week. So I am going to give you both one "free" week back on earth to do anything you want to do and nothing will be held against you." "You mean we can do what ever we want, and still get into heaven?" "Yes," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the first priest, "I want to soar over the mountains like an eagle." "That's easy enough," said St. Peter. "Off you go!" The second priest asked, "Are you sure that whatever I do will not hinder my chances of getting into heaven?" "That's right," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the second priest, "I want to go back as a stud." "A stud?" asked St. Peter. "Yes," said the second priest. "Okay, I'll see you in a week." Finally, the week ended and the computer was repaired. God asked to St. Peter, "Did you get the two priests back so they can join us here?" "Well," said St. Peter. "I got the first priest back; he was soaring over the Rocky Mountains like an eagle. I'm having a bit of a problem locating the second priest; he's somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire."