misc jokes

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
Submitted by Jonalee Echols from Bullard Texas.
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.
3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

It seems there was an agreement between two of the top power nations at the height of the arms race which grew out of their concern of global annihilation. Both sides agreed on a final end-all battle which would be one gigantic mean dogfight. Each would get five years to prepare their top animals. The first one, the Ugonauts, took the biggest, meanest Rottweiler and Doberman females and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian Wolves money could buy. Then they selected only the biggest, meanest pups of the litter to rebreed, year after year. It finally came to the big day. The Hugonauts had to drag their entry in with huge heavy ropes, and no one could get near the cage. The Argonauts toted in the craziest crate -- it was low to the ground and eight feet long. When they opened it, people gasped! Out waddled the funniest looking eight feet long wiener dog anyone had ever seen. People felt sorry for the Argonauts, and the Hugos snickered in disbelief. The heavy door to the Hugo's terror was slowly pulled open and out jumped the most hideous monster of a dog there'd ever been, snarling and growling. Just as the monster pounced at the neck of the wiener dog to take him out, the wiener dog opened its mouth and swallowed the Hugo's dog whole! Everyone was in total disbelief! The Hugos said they just couldn't understand it! They'd spent years and years perfecting this animal, how could this be? The Argo's glibly replied, "That's nothing. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars for the top plastic surgeons in the world to come here and make this alligator look like a wiener dog!" (Just goes to show ya, things aren't always what they look like!)

An airline captain was breaking in an Antartian as a stewardess.
The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb!!"