misc jokes

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.

The businessman orders a coke. After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"

The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.

Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!"

The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird.

"Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"

Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."