misc jokes

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little three-inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the two shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari, hunting, and you called that native witch doctor a jerk!"

A truck driver was sitting down in a small roadside diner, minding his own business, and having a plate of spaghetti and a beer. Before long, about 30 of the nastiest, meanest looking bikers come roaring in to the parking lot and boisterously enter the diner -- taking over the tiny place. The macho leader notices the trucker in the corner and goes over to "mark the territory." He starts giving the trucker hard time, but the trucker is not to be provoked. Soon the leader is frustrated by the trucker's lack of response and he dumps the trucker's spaghetti plate right on his head. The trucker is covered with noodles and sauce is dripping down his face. He tells the leader he doesn't want any trouble and cleans away the mess with a towel provided by the proprietor. The leader is not done with his provocation -- he tells the trucker he's a lily-livered sissy and dumps the trucker's beer right in his lap. The trucker shoots to his feet -- the room is silent. The bikers think they're finally gonna see some action -- but the trucker just saunters over to the cash register, settles the check and strides out the door. A minute or two pass and the leader decides to have the last word, "THAT GUY SURE ISN'T MUCH OF A MAN!" About 10 seconds of silence follow-- THE SILENCE IS SHATTERED BY THE SOUND OF MANGLED METAL AND THE WORDS OF THE DINER PROPRIETOR..."AND HE SURE ISN'T MUCH OF A DRIVER EITHER. LOOKS LIKE HE JUST RAN OVER MOST OF THOSE HARLEYS IN THE PARKING LOT!"

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion." What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week! "The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesday and Thursday."

A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers’ profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade.
The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie."
"Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter.
"Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and you spell it: E –E- L -K… E- L- E-K…."
Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why don’t you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, we’ll have Peter come up and tell us about his father."
Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-O–O-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 9 out of 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."