misc jokes

Eight-year-old Daniel heard his grandmother tell his mother that a football was needed for the family dinner Sunday night. Daniel couldn't imagine why, but if he could help grandma prepare the meal, he would. But he didn't have a football, so he went over to Greg's house and traded 50 baseball cards for an old deflated football. He pumped it up, shined it and placed it on the kitchen table waiting for grandma to discover it.
''Daniel!'' his mother exclaimed, ''You know Grandma is cooking tonight. Please put your things where they belong!''
Daniel was holding back the tears, ''But it's for Grandma! She said she needed a football for dinner.''
Mother did her best to hold back the laughter, ''You know Grandma and her Irish accent. She meant a FRUIT BOWL!''

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.
His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''
Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You can keep those other breeds of dogs. I got myself a laborer recliner.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
Wouldn't it be great if there was as an "edit undo" button in life?
If you are incompetent, don't worry. Just think, in a few years you'll be in upper management!
I thought that it was pretty cool when I married Miss Wright; that is until I found out that her first name was Always!
No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad example.
I'm 39 years old, and I see absolutely no advantage to growing up!
I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches too short.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You can keep those other breeds of dogs. I got myself a laborer recliner.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
Wouldn't it be great if there was as an "edit undo" button in life?
If you are incompetent, don't worry. Just think, in a few years you'll be in upper management!
I thought that it was pretty cool when I married Miss Wright; that is until I found out that her first name was Always!
No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad example.
I'm 39 years old, and I see absolutely no advantage to growing up!
I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches too short.