misc jokes

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" 
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response. 
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'" 
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." 
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'" 

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?" 
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response. 
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'" 
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum." 
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?" 
"Yes, Ma'am." 
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'" 

A man purchased a brand new $350,000.00 Lamborghini sports car. He took it out on the expressway to see just how fast his car would travel. The man accelerated past 100 mph and then an old man on a moped passed him up like he was standing still.

The man in the sports car was amazed at the feat and accelerated so quickly he passed the old man on his moped like he was standing still too. Then as quickly as the man in his sports car passed the old man on his moped, the old man passed him up again just as quickly. The man in the sports car felt so intimidated that he accelerated as fast as he could and passed up the old man on the moped again. The old man on his moped once again passed up the sports car.

Finally the man in his sports car could not believe his eyes, so he got past the old man on the moped and pulled over to the side of the expressway. The old man on the moped pulled over too. The man in the sports car got out and ran over to the old man on the moped and asked, "How in the world could you get that moped to go nearly as fast as my new $350,000.00 sports car?"

The old man on the moped was huffing and puffing and trying to catch his breath. He looked up and said, "Mister, I'm so glad you pulled over because for the last 10 minutes my suspenders have been hooked on to the rear of your bumper!" 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."