A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Morty to his vet: "Doc, I have a problem with my dog."

Dr. Saul: "Tell me more."

Morty: "He's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth, and he can talk."

Dr. Saul: "That's impossible!"

Morty: "Watch this. Seth, Fetch!"

Seth: "So why are you talking to me like that? You only call me when you want something. You make me sleep on the cold floor. You give me this crappy food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a fast pish and right back home."

Dr. Saul: "This is remarkable! So what's the problem?"

Morty: "He has a hearing problem. I said 'Fetch', NOT 'Kvetch'."

Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.

After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.

"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Astounded, the thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years."