There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."
His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"
The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
Trying to disguise his voice, Carl calls his ex-wife and asks to speak to himself.
Jody, his former wife says, "Carl, look, we are not married anymore -- quit bothering me!"
The next day, Carl calls again, resulting in the same sequence of events.
The following day though when he calls, his ex-wife says, "Listen. I told you we're divorced, split, it's over -- period! We're divorced. Why do you keep calling here?"
"Well Jody, it's just that I can't hear that often enough."
The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle in the church's soon to be put away nativity scene when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon. In the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal.
The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.
The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "All right! Who did that? Who did that?"