What kind of history can you find in an unwashed pan?

Ancient grease.

While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family.

"Yes, he is!" Andy replied.

"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."

Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"

A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.

Finally, the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can cook me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!"