A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise to never book a judge by his cover."

In an upscale pet supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said.

"See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"

For over 40 years, my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?"

A man of few words, he replied, "Well I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half done."

- Fell out of the family tree.

- Forgot to pay his brain bill.

- Goes surfing in Nebraska.

- Golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons.

- Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.

- He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.