Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... Look, he's Moving!"

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Be more or less specific.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Contractions aren't necessary.

5. One should never generalize.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

8. Understatement is always best.

9. The passive voice is to be avoided.

10. Who needs rhetorical questions?

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't never use a double negation.

13. Always pick on the correct idiom.

14. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

15. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The adverb always follows the verb.

18. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

19. Do not put statements in the negative form.

20. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

21. A writer must not shift your point of view.

22. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

23. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

24. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"