A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.
Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?"
Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air."
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test."
Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
Man: "Can't do that either."
Officer: "Why not?"
Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!"
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed and said, "It is, too. It's where Batman lives."
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you think there have been four of them: Bale, Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
Two people got into an argument.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."