Sharon: I tell you, Doctor, even though I’m dieting, I’m still gaining weight!

Doctor: You might be pregnant.

Sharon: What?! That can’t be, I use birth control pills!

Doctor: That’s not a hundred percent certain.

Sharon: Then what is?

Doctor: Abstinence.

Sharon: Would you give me a prescription for it?

Joe: You know that hundred bucks I borrowed from you? I bet you thought I was a dead beat! Well, Frank, I’m not…and here’s the hundred back.

Frank: I—I don’t believe it!

Frank’s wife: I believe it!! And I need fifty of that to buy a new Mix-Master!!

Frank’s son: And I need thirty-five for a new tire for my Honda!

Frank’s daughter: And I need fifteen for new jeans!

Frank: Well, Joe, I gotta tell you, when I lent you that money, I figured I’d never get it back…and I was right!

Husband: For Pete’s sake, can’t you keep one lousy check book straight?!?

Wife: Now, hold it a darn second! I got myself a pocket computer and I meticulously added every deposit and subtracted every check! So I don’t believe you when you say I made a mistake!

Husband: Oh yeah? I’ll bet you money that you’re overdrawn!

Wife: Okay, how much do you want to bet?!?

Husband: Sixty-three dollars and twenty-seven cents!!