On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for riding Royal Airlines." But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, ma'am," replied the pilot, "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me."