A family known for being extremely frugal was blessed with twin girls. Around three months a neighbor suggested that they have their pictures taken. The father thought this was a good ideal and the next time he saw the neighbor he showed him a photograph.
"This is a fine picture" said the neighbor. "But this is a picture of one of the girls. Where is the other one?"
"Well," said the father, "when we got to the photographer's, the good wife and I decided that since the twins look exactly alike, one picture would do for both of them."
Little Johnny swallowed a coin and his mother was very much alarmed. She said to her husband, "Quick, quick send for the doctor!"
"No," replied Johnny's father. "Not the doctor, get the minister instead!"
"Oh no," exclaimed the mother. "You think Johnny is going to die?"
Father replied, "Oh, no, but our minister can get money out of anyone!"
A lawyer's dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast.
The butcher heads over to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer replies, "Absolutely," and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages.
A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: "$75 due for a consultation."
Jerry was sitting down for breakfast one morning when he was astonished to see in the paper an announcment of his own death.
He called his friend at once, "Jim, have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
Jim replied, "Yes, and exactly where are you calling from?"