On his first day back to work after the birth of his son, Randy's supervisor said, "I understand you have a new youngster at your house?"
Randy glanced around apprehensively, "For heaven's sake, you can't hear him all the way out here, can you?"
Mary Jane: "Your husband's birthday is coming up. What are you getting him?"
Wife: "Oh, 100 of his favorite cigars."
Mary Jane: "What did you pay for them?"
Wife: "Nothing! For the last few months I have taken one or two from his box daily. He has not noticed and will be delighted with my ability in getting the kind he always smoked."
Two friends met after not seeing each other for a couple of months.
Bill: "Jack, you look like you not doing well?"
Jack (swiping the sweat off his brow): "I ain't been ill. It's the work doing me in. Working from seven in the morning till six at night. Only one hour for a break. Think of it. Very taxing on ones body."
Bill: "Wow, and how long has this been going on? How long you been working for that company?"
Jack: "Oh, I haven't been there yet. I begin tomorrow," he added gloomily.