Farmer: "I've arranged my garden so as not to be caught by droughts this summing."
Neighbor: "What did you do?"
Farmer: "I planted my potatoes and onions in alternate rows. The onions will make the potatoes eyes water and reduce the need for water."
A soldier sought shelter in the cook's tent during a dust storm that swept over the camp during war maneuvers. He noticed that the lid of the soup kettle was awry, permitting dust to blow into the soup and called it to the cooks attention.
"If you'd put that lid more firmly on that kettle, we wouldn't get so much dust and dirt with our soup," he said tartly.
"See here my young lad," said the cook angrily, "my business is to serve you food and Your business is to serve your country."
"Quite right. My business is to serve my country, but not to eat it."
A minister, after the Sunday morning service, walked alongside a brook and noticed a young boy fishing. After seeing him catch a number of fish he approached the boy and said, "My boy, don't you know it is not right to be fishing on Sunday? Besides, it is very cruel to insert that sharp hook into that poor beetle."
The boy replied, "Oh, say sir, this ain't a beetle. It's an imitation."
"Oh I thought it was a real bug."
Lifting up a nice string of fish, the boy replies, "So did these suckers!"
The pastor who had accepted an invitation to officiate at the Sunday service in a neighboring towns church. He entrusted the Sunday service at his church to the new appointed curate. Upon his return he ask his wife what she thought of the curate's sermon.
"It was the poorest one I ever heard," was her prompt reply, "nothing in it at all."
Later in the day he saw the curate and ask how he had got along.
"Oh, very well. I didn't have time to prepare my own sermon so I used one of your unused ones."