I think there's something wrong with my girlfriend.

She's hallucinating.

She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl...

I said I didn’t know he could!

I got called pretty today...

The full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”