animal jokes

Category: "Animal Jokes"
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The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:
10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

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CATEGORY Animal Jokes
posted by "Anonymous" |
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As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. 

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. 

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

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CATEGORY Animal Jokes
posted by "Mark O" |
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A chicken walks into a bar. 
The bartender says. "We don't serve poultry!" 
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."

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CATEGORY Animal Jokes
posted by "Anonymous" |
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1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position
1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oops! 

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman. 

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 

18. Take two aspirins and lie down. 

19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down. 

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CATEGORY Animal Jokes
posted by "Anonymous" |