marriage jokes

A mother and daughter were out shopping at the mall. The mother saw an expensive fur coat and stated, "This year, I think I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me and I think this fur coat would be perfect too." 
The daughter protested, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." 
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Bob and his wife were walking into the parking lot when a friend, Larry, saw them. Larry asked, "Bob, why are you walking so far? Did your car break down?" Bob replied, "No, my wife read how you could burn off more calories by parking further away." 
Larry asked, "How far away did you park?" Bob responded, "About 10 calories."

Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversation with your wife yesterday."
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward

Old Saying. . . .
My husband, being an astute shopper, as well as an employee at a large local hardware store, keeps an eye on all the closeouts and sales where he works. One evening he came in the door as usual, we exchanged our usual 'glad to see you' affection, then I noticed that 'I've got a surprise for you' look on his face. He held up two large sacks filled with items. In the two sacks were eight candleholders for 25 cents apiece, because he knows I love candles. The other sack contained ten bottles of window cleaner, which closed out for 50 cents each. I loved the gifts, but was overwhelmed with the quantity so I asked, "Honey! What did you do? Buy everything but the kitchen sink?" He grinned in his impish way and motioned for me to follow him. He is so good at that impishness I never know just what will occur next. Full of curiosity and love for my interesting husband, I followed him out to the car. He slowly opened the truck and low and behold! There was the kitchen sink! He grinned at me again and told me he couldn't leave such an expensive sink there when it cost next to nothing! I guess I'll have to find a different 'old saying' in the vernacular when it comes to my husband!