marriage jokes

Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversation with your wife yesterday."
Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."
Bob: "Really? What did she say?"
Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward

Old Saying. . . .
My husband, being an astute shopper, as well as an employee at a large local hardware store, keeps an eye on all the closeouts and sales where he works. One evening he came in the door as usual, we exchanged our usual 'glad to see you' affection, then I noticed that 'I've got a surprise for you' look on his face. He held up two large sacks filled with items. In the two sacks were eight candleholders for 25 cents apiece, because he knows I love candles. The other sack contained ten bottles of window cleaner, which closed out for 50 cents each. I loved the gifts, but was overwhelmed with the quantity so I asked, "Honey! What did you do? Buy everything but the kitchen sink?" He grinned in his impish way and motioned for me to follow him. He is so good at that impishness I never know just what will occur next. Full of curiosity and love for my interesting husband, I followed him out to the car. He slowly opened the truck and low and behold! There was the kitchen sink! He grinned at me again and told me he couldn't leave such an expensive sink there when it cost next to nothing! I guess I'll have to find a different 'old saying' in the vernacular when it comes to my husband!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule
stumbled.
"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.
The rich man asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes."
The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food."
Then the rich man asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you."
The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food."
Finally the rich man asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend."
The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food."
Finally the rich man said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home."
He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?"
The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."