relationship jokes

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"?

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"?

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2016 models. I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much"?

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A couple were on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.

"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.

"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."

Jim, a fireman came home from work one day and told Barb, his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the firestation.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the poll
Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, i want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night Jim came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" Barb promptly took all her clothes off. When Jim yelled, "Bell 2!" Barb jumped into bed. When Jim yelled, "Bell 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes Barb yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked Jim.

"Roll out more hose!", Barb replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!!"

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went.

The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."

"Hmmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting, BUT there's more further up!" and up they went.

Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."