Best Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas.
The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action movie about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarsenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" replied Sly. “And what about you?" he asked Arnold. "If I’m not Bach, I’ll be Hayden!"

Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.