I was walking through the store, and I kept hearing an annoying kid yelling, “Grandma!"

I was walking past her when he finally found her. He said to her, “Grandma, where were you? You can't just leave me. What if someone kidnapped me?!”

Grandma replied, “I'm sure they'd bring you back pretty soon.”

On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions - Use like regular soap.

On some Schwan frozen dinners: Serving suggestion - Defrost.

On packaging for an iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: The product will be hot after heating.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions - Open the packet. Eat nuts.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase is necessary. Details inside.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

The city boy goes west to visit his uncle. After the sun goes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are werewolves!"

"That's rubbish, boy, ain't no such thing".

"'Then, there must be man-eating wolves".

"No, we haven't got those buddies, either."

"What is this sound, then?" the boy asks.

"They are coyotes".

"Coyotes? What are those?"

"They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind of dog."

The boy wants to find out more: "Why are they making that frightening noise?"

"See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got cactuses!"

During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas.

So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."