Mr. Jones: Doc, I can't sleep.

Doctor: You used to count sheep and told me it worked. Any idea why the sheep counting method quit working?

Mr. Jones: When I count the sheep now they're shivering and it's upsetting.

Doctor: When did this problem start?

Mr. Jones: Right after I bought a very warm wool blanket.

My wife and I went to the dog park yesterday. There was an elderly lady trying to coax her resistant toy poodle to come to her.

Being one that doesn’t mind helping others I picked up the little critter and passed it over to her.

She scowled at me and scurried off. I mentioned to my wife the lady wasn’t very grateful.

My wife replied by saying, “Perhaps you shouldn’t have used the pooper scooper.”

In the aftermath of a recent hurricane a neighbor reported a man trying to break open an ATM in his back yard resulting in his arrest.

Judge: What do you have to say for yourself sir?

Defendant: The hurricane dropped the ATM in my back yard. The only reason I was trying to open it was to locate a serial number so I could find the owner?

Judge: What about the other five ATM’s the police found in your garage?

Defendant: Well, your honor, it’s been a bad hurricane season this year.