A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."
A baseball manager who had an ulcer went to see his doctor for a checkup.
"Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."
Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"
A not-so-smart person walks up to the counter and says: "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a diet coke."
The man behind the counter says "Look around! This is a LIBRARY!"
"Oh, how silly of me." says the person. She then begins whispering, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries and a diet coke..."