What did the vet say when Schrodinger went to pick up his cat?

"I have good news and bad news..."

My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job.

I asked him how much he enjoyed it.

"It's Sew-Sew."

One of my employees who was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that had good news and bad news.

Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."

The judge wanted to make sure the witness understood the solemnity of the occasion.

"Do you know what the word 'oath' means?" asks the judge.

"Sure do," says the witness. "Oath means if I swear to a lie, I gotta stick with it."