One of my employees who was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that had good news and bad news.

Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."

The judge wanted to make sure the witness understood the solemnity of the occasion.

"Do you know what the word 'oath' means?" asks the judge.

"Sure do," says the witness. "Oath means if I swear to a lie, I gotta stick with it."

Little Johnny rushes inside, out of breath and shouts, "Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!"

His mother replies, "What is he shouting?"

"Ice creams! Come get your ice cream..."

Tonight I’m gonna have possum soup made from Himalayan possum...

Because I found Himalayan on the road.