A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a month, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-six."

A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?"

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and announces, ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!''

Two dogs pass a parking meter...

One says to the other, "How do you like that, a pay toilet!"