My boss came to me at lunch, "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"
I shrugged and said, "Good employees are hard to find!"
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out the oven.
Shop assistant: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Shop assistant: You didn't even try it on?
Psychic: I'm a medium.
Which is heavier: a litre of water or a litre of butane?
No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.