I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.

I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture, they said “yes.”

I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps."

When I played it, I said to myself, "This doesn't sound like wasps."

I was right. I was playing the B-side.

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

"T. Hanks - For the Memories"

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

The doctor said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."