misc jokes

An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. “Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can’t be president?”

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously.
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”
“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.
“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”