misc jokes

A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night. "Honey," the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"

"I suppose so, it's paid for."

"How about our car," continued the woman, "would the two of you keep that?

"I suppose so, it's paid for."

"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?"

"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

One night, a man's wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds that her husband isn't in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him in the kitchen sitting down at the table. He doesn't look so happy, so she asks him "What's wrong honey?" He says, "Well, if 'I will' is the shortest sentence, does that make 'I do' the longest sentence?"

A boy walks into the school nurse's office. The Nurse asks, "Why are you here?"

"I’m sick," the boy replies.

"Sick of what?"

"The teacher."

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning. ”I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere. He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."