misc jokes

MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away

WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake

Q. Why do builders have clear lunch boxes?
A. So they know whether they are going home or going to work!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I
want her to know what I go through, so please create a
trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to
draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


He drove to the electricity company and the phone
company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was
already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got
into an argument with them on the way home which he
had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By
then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and
washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for
an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although
his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to
bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaining. The next
morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and
said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so
wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord,
in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to
wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last
night!!!"

.

I was driving along the Stuart Highway when I saw a sign saying "Rest Area 50 Kilometers" and thought WOW that’s big