misc jokes

A very ugly man walking down the street comes across a most beautiful expensively dressed woman. She asks him please come with me; I have a job for you. Being the first time that any woman talked to him he was flabbergasted. He blindly follows her and ends up in a goldsmith's shop. Pointing to the ugly guy the woman tells the goldsmith "looks like this one" and she leaves the shop without a word to the ugly man. Confused, the ugly man tells the goldsmith the story and asks him if he has the slightest idea on why he was brought to him. The goldsmith says, well, it may be disturbing to know that she wanted a ring made for her with a devils face on it. I told her I had never seen a devil before

Two cowboy ranchers in Texas, they each had their own horse, but they could never tell them apart. So the first cowboy said, "I've got it!" The second cowboy said "What?" "I'll shave the mane on my horse." Let's do it!” So the cowboy shaves the mane on his horse. But after a while the mane grew back. The cowboys are having a really hard time telling them apart. Then the one cowboy said, "I've got it! "What? What? What’s your idea now? says the other" "I'll cut the tail on my horse really small." "Alright! Let's do it!" So he cut the tail really short. But after a while it grew back. "Then the second cowboy said, "OK, this time I've got it!" You take the black one and I'll take white one!!!!"

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

One day a city bus driver picked up a woman that was carrying a paper bag full of oranges.
There were no empty seats so she had to hang on by a strap in the aisle. After traveling a few blocks the driver had to make a sudden stop.
This caused the woman to almost fall down and several oranges fell to the floor. As she bent over to pick them up she expelled gas making some loud noises. The bus driver remarked "that's right lady, if you can't catch them, shoot them"