Latest Jokes

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"

The first vampire says, "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says, "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says, "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says, "Got it. Two bloods and one blood-light."

This guy was serving a life sentence in solitary and he was about to go out of his mind, so one day he saw this little ant crawling across the floor. He thought I got the rest of my life, so I could train this little ant, at the same time give me something to do and relieve the stress.
So he started teaching the little ant. Many years went by and with the help of courses and lessons he had got in the mail he taught the little ant all about law. The little ant got so good at his new trade that he got the man freed. When the papers heard his story they went wild. When he left the prison a bunch of scientist met him at the gate.
He carried the little ant in a match box in his shirt pocket. He showed him to the scientist.
They offered him thousands of dollars for the little ant, to use in their research. But he refused them saying “this little ant and I have been together for so long I could not part with him, it was he that got me out of prison"
So they started on their way. "What would you like to do?" asked the man. “I would like to go to a bar like you told me so much about" answered the little ant. So off they went to find a bar. In the bar the man started drinking and would give the little ant a drop from time to time.
So feeling good he started pestering the bartender.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked the bartender, “No, I don't" said the bartender"
"I'm the man the papers have been writing so much about."
"Still don't know you" said the bartender and off he went.
So he took the little ant out of the box and sat him on the bar.
Calling the bartender over he said "You see that little ant there on the bar?” “I sure do," and with his thumb the bartender squashed the little and said "How the hell he got in here, I just exterminated the place yesterday!

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally asks: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace."

The mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?"

Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."