When I was at the gym yesterday, everyone kept asking me why I was always sitting still on the stationary bike.

I’m going downhill, dude, mind your own business.

Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone...

So I threw it in the pool.

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!" yelled little Lisa.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

Father: "Hold your horses, son."

5-year-old: "I don't have any horses."

Father: "It means calm down."

5-year-old: "I can't, my horses are gone."