Mikey: "I ate a submarine sandwich for lunch and I think I'm going to be sick."

Mother: "What makes you say that?"

Mikey: "It's starting to surface."

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!" yelled little Lisa.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

When I was young, I was poor...

But after many years of hard work, I am no longer young.

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 12 to 1."