Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: There was an old man that lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: Were you helping him search for it? How nice of you.
Little Johnny: Actually I was sitting on it, waiting for him to give up searching and leave.
I took my bicycle to the liquor store the other day. I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So, I drank all the vodka and then headed home.
It turned out to be a really good decision, because I fell nine times on my way home.