"You know, I think everyone should divide their worldly goods with the other fellow," said an office worker to another.

"That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars would you give me half?"

"Sure."

"And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?"

"Sure."

"And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?"

"No."

"No? Why?"

"Because I have two shirts."

At the monthly meeting of the local group of struggling artists, two of them were discussing their respective prospects.

First artist: "I'm not doing too well. I painted a picture for a local lady but she didn't like it. She said it made her look just like a monkey."

Second artist: "I hope you were diplomatic about it?"

First artist: "Yes, I told her she should have thought about that before she had her picture painted."

Overheard at my local fish market...

Fussy Patron: “I don’t like the looks of that codfish.”

Market Manager: “Well, if you want looks, why don’t you buy a gold fish?”

"You in the back of the room, what was the date of the signing of the Magna Carter?"

"I dunno."

"You don't? Well let's try this. Who was Bonny Prience Charley?"

"I dunno."

"Well, tell me what the Tennis Court Oath was?"

"I dunno."

"I assigned this stuff last Friday. What were you doing this last weekend?"

"I was out drinking beer and fishing with friends."

"You were? What audacity to stand there and tell me a thing like that? How do you ever expect to pass this course?"

"I don't. I just came in to fix the radiator."