On the first day of class the chemistry professor was asking around the room the elements in the periodic table. "Jones, what does HNO3 signify?

Jones, searching for the answer replied, "Well, ah, I've got it right on the tip of my tongue, sir."

Professor: "Well, you better spit it out. It's nitric acid."

The lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the court:
"Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now my clients arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish an individual committed by one of his limbs."

The Judge considered this argument for several minutes then declared: "That argument is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled, stood up and his lawyer helped him unscrew his clients cork arm, and, leaving it with the Judge and walked out.

"Yes," said the lawyer to his client. "You have got the best case I have ever heard."

"Thanks," said the client, grabbing up his coat and heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" ask the astonished lawyer.

"I'm going to settle this case out of court," said the leaving client.

"But I told you it is the best case I have ever heard?"

"Maybe," began the client, "but not for me, I told you the other fellow's case."

Milkman (to new hand): "Did you put water in the milk this morning?"

New hand: "Yes sir."

Milkman: "Don't you know this is wicked?"

"But you told me to mix water with the milk?"

"Yes, but I told you to put the water in first and then pour the milk into it. Then, you see, we can tell the people we never put water in our milk."