They say you shouldn't go grocery shopping when you're hungry...

But I ran out of food a few days ago, and it's just getting worse!

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!

Them: "Why do you always carry a knife?"

Me: "The last time I tried to open a bag of chips with a 9mm, things didn’t go so well."

I told the waitress my steak was bad.

She picked it up, slapped it, and threw it back down.

She said, "If it gives you any more trouble, let me know."