A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys "R" Us store and stealing a board game...
He got Life.
The more you weigh, the harder it is to kidnap you.
Stay safe. Eat more cake.
(Dumb Criminal) Never pick the pocket of a guy wearing a wedding ring!
(Trainee) Why, because he’s a family man and needs the money?
(Dumb Criminal) No, because his wife already beat you to it.
An armed robber broke into a house and found a couple sitting at their dining room table. Pointing the gun, he said, "Let me know the names of my victims before I kill them".
Wife: My name is Eunice
Robber: Oh. My mother's name is Eunice. I can't kill you. (Pointing the guy to the man) And you ?
Husband: I'm Joseph, but all my friends call me Eunice.