Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Tim and the thief got tangle up and began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all escape from prison. They hear the cops coming so they each climb a tree.
The cops come and shine flashlights in the trees.
They shine a light on the tree with the brunette and she goes "whoo whoo" like an owl.
They shine the light in the redhead's tree, she goes "Tweet Tweet" like a bird.
They shine the light on the blonde’s tree... "Moooooo".
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."