A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'
There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."
Bruno came home from school crying in hysterics. Looking at the bruises all
over his face, it was apparent he got into some trouble.
"What happened to you?" his father says in a panicky manner.
"You remember the other day you told me 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones, but words will never harm me.'" "Of course," the father replies.
"Well," Bruno says, "you were right about the sticks and stones."
A policeman brought four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.