In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.
“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“And may I take out record albums, too?”
“Yes, you may.”
“May I take you out?” he ventured.
Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”
I bought an alarm clock yesterday but I took it back today and asked for a refund, I said to the assistant, "It's not working properly, I set the alarm for 7:30am but it went off at 4:30am."
"I'd like to give you a refund sir, but it's smashed into pieces. How do you explain the damage?" he asked.
I said, "I just told you, it's not working properly and it went off at 4:30am."
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on Main Street when the door of the hearse flies open, the coffin falls out, speeds down Main Street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter.
The lid pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
What did Queen Guinevere say about Sir Lancelot after he slayed three war dogs to save the King?
"One day they'll name a rock band after this knight!"