Best Jokes

Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”

The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and snapped it in two across his knee.
“There!” he said. “Now I hope it rains!”

The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be red of the old battle-ax answered the phone.
“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”
“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.

A third-grade child was asked by his teacher to spell “straight.” The boy did so without error. “Now,” said the teacher, “what does it mean?”
“Without water” was his reply.