Best Jokes

A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch". The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that".

A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas". The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".

A guy gets into a taxi after a boozy night out and halfway through the journey wants to stop and buy cigarettes. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall.
All was quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't EVER tap me on the shoulder whilst I'm driving EVER again". The guy says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much"
The driver replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a Hearse.

1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospital dying of
nothing.

3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they use to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a
woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is
they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a
substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

12. You read about all these terrorists---most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video
and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.