Best Jokes

A man calls technical support for his computer.
(M = Man)
(T = Technical support)
M: Ok, the screen is blue and it says windows has been shut down because an error has been detected.
T: All right, press ctrl alt delete.
M: Now what?
T: Does it say press any key to continue?
M: Yeah, why?
T: Well, lets see, hmm.....PRESS IT!!!!
M: Wait let me find it first.
T: Just Press Any Key!!!
M: I'M TRYING TO FIND IT...!
T: When it says any key it means to press ANY key...
M: Oh wait. I found it he he...
T: What does it say now?
M: Sorry the 'Any' key you have pressed does not exist, please click any key.
T: Well, what are you waiting for?
M: I'm still looking for it.
T: I though you found it?
M: Yeah I did but the 'any' it was spelt 'enee' now its spelt 'any'
T: ..."

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

This is a true story.

On a crowded Saturday morning I was walking toward a large grocery store. I saw two men fighting over the last grocery cart. Each one was holding on to it, jerking it away from the other. You’ve heard of road rage and now cart rage! What is the world coming to?
I got closer to the store; I still could not hear what the men were saying to each other. Must have been mean. I wondered what I should do. Talk to the store manager? What should I say to these men? Cart rage! Impatience!
I got closer yet to the store. This fight looks serious. Can’t they wait for a customer to leave? The cart rage goes on! Neither one yielding to the other.
I’m finally close enough to hear the two men. Oh! No! One last jerk and the two men broke the cart in half. Now what? Then I hear one man say to the other: “Thanks for helping me separate these two carts.”

At a small pub near to a GP's practice, Dr. Hall who ran the practice used to call into the pub after he'd shut the practice for the night and have an Almond sprinkled Jackory. One particular night, Bill the barman calls the landlord, "Mr. West, we're out of almond, and Dr. Hall's after his almond jackory, anything taste like almond what we could use instead?" Use hickory, the landlord said
Bill heads back to the bar, and speaks to Dr. Hill, We're out of almonds, but instead I could give you a "hickory jackory doc."