The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how, after the worship service, he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the
church building.
Therefore, he was slightly annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," said the minister. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in difficulty. The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don't understand,” he inquired to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Saint Peter explained. “Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “sure, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly!” said Saint Peter. “When people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed!”
Patient to psychiatrist: "I have this fear of being in tight, enclosed places."
Psychiatrist: "That's a very common disorder. Lots of people have the same problem."
Patient: "It's a little bit more complicated than that. I have an abnormal fear of being in an elevator with a bunch of department store Santa's."
Psychiatrist: "Take a couple of these pills and call me in the morning. You have an acute case of CLAUStrophopia."
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer.
"How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?"