Latest Jokes

May: "I've never been skiing before."

Dad: "You don't want to, trust me."

May: "Why?"

Dad: "You meet many bad things, like pine tree for instance."

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

I tried working in a wheel factory, but I got too tired.

Recently, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that to get into Heaven they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, unable to handle the odors coming from this guy, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."